Category Archives: Articles

Re-thinking Suicide and the Difficult Questions It Entails Asking

Posted on by under Articles

With another pair of recent high profile suicides, society on the whole continues to be surprised by these occurrences. I would like to discuss why we should not necessarily be surprised, what it says about a society that continues to deal with suicide, but also its seeming spontaneity, and the current collective attitude towards suicide and suicide ideation, and its affect on making suicide a difficult topic for individuals contemplating it to disclose to others.

During a standup routine a comedian was commenting: “I show up to the therapist’s office for assessment. She asks me if I’ve ever been suicidal. I said, “Are you crazy? What a ridiculous question?!?……. Of course I’ve been suicidal! Have you seen the world out there!?!” Comedy, being the art that it is, allows one to normalize and communicate something that everyone knows or does in a manner that allows it to come to the surface in an approachable and comfortable way. Thus, in looking at the joke, one can see something true to the observation, that, in a world where life, even at it’s best is often bitter sweet, where individuals must struggle to navigate the “real world” and find meaning in it, and where much of culture has become shallow and superficial, reflecting on the option to bypass the struggle by taking one’s life, has a semblance of normal and reasonable reflection to it.

In a world and society where there is so much suffering, so much disparity, so much superficiality, and so much alienation from self and other, does thinking about suicide represent something pathological or is it a normal reaction to being aware of and sensitive to all the suffering in the world and one’s limited ability to change it; perhaps a normal reaction to a society built around false promises associated around consumerism, having more, and “making it; perhaps a normal reaction to feelings of alienation born of a society mired in fear and technological obsession? Suicide ceases to be something so pathological and surprising once we start asking certain questions and considering certain realities.

Instead of suicide representing some pathological and deranged thinking process, suicide and suicidal ideation might demonstrate awareness and sensitivity to the suffering both within and without, an awareness of the much of the struggle of life, and an awareness of one’s ability to choose and have responsibility? Perhaps suicide is the logical conclusion of a life spent around expectations that being rich and successful and famous can leave one fulfilled? Perhaps as a society we are doing a terrible job of instilling a sense of self in our children grounded in self worth that is paramount to a meaningful life? Perhaps we are doing a terrible job of reflecting on what really matters in the end; what really makes life worth living?

An individual commits suicide and people are often surprised, no one could see it coming. The fact that this is so does not point to the mysterious affects of some suicide disease that strikes an individual from out of nowhere, but instead suggests that an individual feels compelled to hide signs of being suicidal because it has been so deeply pathologized, and because, as a society, we have collectively worked at obliterating our awareness and sensitivity to recognizing the signs. It is not that there are no signs; it is that we do not want to see them; we are moving too fast to be capable of slowing down enough to see or feel them, and we have created a cultural of pseudo happiness that finds it nearly impossible to tolerate any negative emotional states and realities.

As culture and society has become conditioned through consumerism to believe in life as this constant party and celebration, there has ceased to be room for recognition of any of life’s negative affect states. This topic is a much larger one that has been elucidated on elsewhere, but its connection to suicide means that it is taboo to feel negative, let alone bring it up within the context of feeling suicidal. No one wants to believe suicide for the reality it is because no one wants to believe that the real world life they have been conditioned to live is any less the party than it is said to be.

In line with this is the fact that thoughts of suicide are tinged with feelings of guilt and shame. In a society where money, fame, and recognition are held up as the ultimate goals, it will be shame inducing for people who have achieved such things to go on to admit that they are not happy despite having them. “What?! How can such and such not be happy? They are rich, successful, and famous!” Many people cannot acknowledge they are suicidal because according to the values of society they have no reason to be disappointed. The same is true of kids and teens in families where they are provided with opportunities in the way of money and good schools, but not the kinds of nurturing and support that leads to the construction of a healthy sense of self worth.

If we hope alleviate the risk of suicide by “raising awareness” then we have to do so in line with asking some difficult questions about the kind of world we live in, the kinds of accomplishments our culture esteems, the kinds of people we are raising our children to be, and the cost of achieving, and we have to be willing to accept some truths about our role in buttressing that world even if it ends up implicating ourselves. And this applies, not just to suicide, but also to any other mental health topic.

Of course, no one likes the thought that they were unable to recognize problems and emotional isolation; much easier to pretend the suicide had more to do with some mysterious illness that snuck up on them. This is not true of everyone, and it does not entail blaming, but it does mean acknowledgment. Suicidal thoughts do not point to a medical issue as if they represent the symptoms to some kind of disease. As much as a belief that suicidal thoughts are simply some genetic hiccup or a “chemical imbalance” may relieve one of the pressures of reflecting on existential reality and the environmental factors caught up with it, the truth is that the problem is more human than that, and thus requires, not medical intervention, but human intervention. By that I mean the recognition and acknowledgment by another of one’s thoughts, and feeling states in a world that is difficult for any living thing to navigate, let alone one that is aware of its own existence.

No one wants to ask tough questions about the kind of lifestyle and environment we have bought into. No one wants to consider that a certain mentality they have or passed on to their children could lead to emotional bankruptcy. No one wants to consider such things because it implicates us and dismantles the illusion of reality and a certain belief system we have created. No one wants to believe that someone could kill themselves in this world out of emotional bankruptcy because it means critiquing that world and bursting the comfortable bubble that most of us live in. But we cannot continue to deny certain detrimental aspects of our environment and culture and then rationalize superficial responses that put a nice and pretty gloss over everything while the heart of the issue gets ignored.

 

Why We Strive and Is It Worth It

Posted on by under Articles

I have come to be quite suspicious of ambition: the urge to “make it,” to create something famous, to be renown, to be recognized, to leave some lasting impact on the world, etc. There are many forms of such ambition, and of course not all of them are bad. But in reading of famous people, there is a common theme running through many of their lives. It is that many of them, towards the end of their lives, questioned, doubted, or even regretted many of the great works and achievements they had given to the world. By the end, many were never happy and failed to be at peace.

After reading about such people it is hard for me not to wonder about what was driving them. What were they chasing? If even great accomplishments can leave a person unhappy and unsatisfied then what good are they; and what are we actually trying to get? Is it obtainable? I can’t help but question our drives to achieve, and acquire. I can’t help but ask: Do healthy, whole, self-loving, self-affirming, self-accepting individuals have large ambitions?

I contrast ambition with contentment. Most of us never seem satisfied, always wanting more, always reaching for some unattainable culmination. By comparison the happiest people I have met are people that live modest lives with little to no ambition to achieve or accomplish, no desire to substantially increase their possessions or valuables. They have arrived at a level of contentment, contentment with their surroundings, with their environment, with their pasts, with their inadequacies, and with the reality of death.

To say such happy and healthy people lack ambition does mean that such people fail to have goals and are not trying to improve. Nor does this entail hedonism, reckless living, or a life of banality built around the desire for one big endless party or perpetual “trip.” Such a mentality is its own kind of “chasing.” The happiest people I’ve met also lack a desire for such a life. They largely abstain from reckless endeavors, drugs, late nights out, and loud gatherings.

I am not implying that all accomplishments stem from a lack of discontentment or some other kind of displacement, or that a healthy and “fully actualized” person would never have the ambition to do something of large significance. But I think that is very rare, and that the foundations of such motivations are different. Such people seem connected to a self that knows they are good enough, that can feel the miracle of being alive, and can recognize the wonder of such a miracle within the sphere of the rest of life and the living universe. Such people continue to explore the world and expand their tastes but from a place of groundedness.

It is anathema to speak in such ways today, especially in a country that mindlessly reaches for more, for bigger, newer, what’s never been done before! A recent commercial states, “Because better is a never ending quest.” I can’t help but think, “What a terrible way to live!” To chase something you know can’t be caught. The illusion of such a venture is staring us in the face and yet we are repeatedly dumbfounded by our lack of contentment, our perpetual unsettledness. No wonder we medicate ourselves trying to achieve, and later numb ourselves to get over the residual affects of having strained ourselves to the physical and emotional limit.

Some will say that such strivings are a natural disposition of being human. That is a different issue. I certainly feel there is some natural drive to accomplish. Advancement and achievement are not bad things, but they have take make life simpler, more worthwhile; they have to foster a sense of accomplishment that allows us to rest, sit back, feel contented, and simply enjoy the wonder of life. But we’re not doing that. We’re constantly running, never content, in constant hope that the next accruement or achievement will finally brings us peace or will finally give us the love we so desperately seek. We largely rationalize the whole process by claiming we are creating the ability to have an easier more enjoyable life but in reality we have almost totally obliterated the ability to pause and enjoy the very life we claim to be bettering.

We have to honestly ask ourselves what we’re seeking and why. We have to inquire into the quality of our goals. This entails not just questioning the value of the objects we wish to obtain, but what we hope to get through such things. Am I seeking approval? Do I simply want to be loved? Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Do I need to prove something to someone? Do I need to show I’m better? Do I need to hide my grief and lack of self-confidence through my accomplishments and conquests of others? We have to be willing to examine our histories and chart the circumstances that led us to craft the identity we have and the motivations we use to sustain it. Are we overcompensating for a need that was never met?

The 20th century mystic Gurdjieff encouraged individuals to reflect, “Go out one clear star lit night to some open space and look up at the sky, at those millions of worlds over your head. The earth cannot even be called a grain of sand in this infinity… It dissolves and vanishes, and with it, you. Where are you? And is what you want simply madness?” Most of us are overdue for such an inquiry.

Three Miscellaneous Moments

Posted on by under Articles

Let It Noise

 

I was walking in a field, listening to the birds as they sung their evening song to the falling light emanating from the sinking sun. In those moments, the sounds of the birds drowned out all of my sorrows, bringing me to a tranquil state of mind, no dreams. And then I slowly became aware of an approaching plane overhead. I remember that this field is near an airport. A plane is coming in to land, and the noise of it begins drowning out the sound of the birds. Now what can I do in such a moment? Should I get upset or mad at the plane? Should I rage at it, wage war against planes, try and have them banished? Should I focus on remembering the sound of the birds from a few minutes ago? Should I try and love the sound of the plane like I love the sound of the birds? Let it noise? Love its noise? Let it pass? Should I focus on the future when the plane will land and the sound of the birds will be audible once again? I’m not really sure of a complete answer, but it seems that this little incident represents so many of life’s struggles in miniature.

 

A Red Sweater

 

I was driving down a busy shopping boulevard. Stopped at a light, I glanced over to my right, through a department store door, with wool sweaters displayed on a table in the center. One of these sweaters was a beautiful red color. I was transfixed by it, caught up in its red, a color searing itself to my eyes and in my mind. I started to imagine myself wearing it, perhaps over a black dress shirt, with a matching red and black tie, black slacks, and black dress shoes; very smart. This image burned itself into my mind, and I made up my mind to go to this store and buy the sweater at some point. Weeks later I made my way to the store; I made it to the entrance, walked though, and went right towards the table with the sweaters, eager for the red. But as I approached I began to notice that the sweater was not in fact red. The sweater I saw was actually pink. I began looking for a red sweater in other parts of the store. I asked a clerk about red sweaters. He said, “No red sweaters.” I realized the red I saw was made so on that particular day by the angle of the light from the time of day and the position of my view from the street. I left the store empty handed, but still with a red sweater stuck in my mind; a red sweater that didn’t even exist. And I wondered how much of the rest of my life is like this; chasing illusions in my mind?

 

The Incessant Me

 

I was out walking and caught a premonition of the past; something triggered a memory of a time spent in another somewhere. I knew that this time was a difficult one in my life; filled with confusion, anger, sadness, regret, worry, anxiety; a time I would describe to someone, had they asked about it, as dark. And yet this triggering felt good. The memories it brought up were wonderful, even intoxicating. It seemed the time I spent there was magical. I couldn’t help but feel good in thinking back to it despite believing it was such a dark time. How could this be? Was there a part of me living at that time that was keeping track of all the good moments? Was it wise enough to see the wisdom that comes from suffering, from learning from hardship? Is it smart enough to know now that it was worth it? Did it know this then? Of course I knew my whole time there was not one big hell, but was this part of me less in touch with the temporary, closer to the lasting? Am I delusional about the past, longing for it because the present is too real? Was I delusional then for focusing almost exclusively on the pain and suffering? Is there a constant “me” able to see things objectively, one free from my own mind? Is there a part of me always at peace, that knows better in each and every instant despite what I think I see and know?

Chasing Perfection

Posted on by under Articles

According to Greek mythology, Momos, the God of blame, ridicule, scorn, and mockery, believed the only God or Goddess that was blameless was Aphrodite. Aphrodite failed to, and could not commit any wrongdoing; she was perfect. For the rest of us, including the rest of the Greek Gods and Goddesses, our attempts and desire to be perfect are futile. If we are perfectionists, sadly, we will always be disappointed.

What does it mean to be a perfectionist? Why do we give ourselves such impossible standards? What do we chase when chasing perfection, when trying to be perfect? And how does one let go of continuing a cycle of incessant striving? All are questions I have been facing these last couple of years.

One of the most profound things anyone ever said to me about myself was from an older friend. He once said to me, “It’s like you are running a race with millions of people; you are five miles ahead of everyone else, but you’re beating yourself up for not being ten miles ahead of everyone else.” Such a comment made very concise my particular state of mind in relationship to myself, and my life. I was and had been chasing perfection; I was chasing this illusory ideal and it fueled me. It was inexhaustible fuel because the goal was unachievable; nothing could be good enough; I would always have to do more, accomplish more, and achieve better than anyone else. If, in the face of accomplishment, something fails to be satisfying, that is because it is not meant to be. Being satisfied would mean not being perfect would mean letting go of an aspect of one’s identity that one has spent years reinforcing, probably for good reason, though that reason is no longer justifiable.

We chase perfection and allow ourselves to be motivated by impossible standards because it fuels and reinforces the identities we create, and we create identities in the first place largely to protect ourselves from the pains of the world; we create identities or other selves because our original self was not good enough for our parents, for others, or for society. Many times my identity has shifted, more appropriately my aims or goals changed, but the underlying theme remained the same: find a way to be perfect and good enough to prove I was deserving of love and recognition from the world.

Sadly, even in the midst of personal triumph and achievement there was a little voice that was not satisfied; that expected more. Being a Marine in the infantry became, “Why aren’t you a scout sniper?” Graduating with a degree in philosophy became “How come you haven’t offered the world the next great philosophical discourse?” Being recognized for my writing became, “How come you have not published a book yet?” Having successfully roamed and wandered the world became, “Why haven’t you thrown away your passport and really let go?” Visiting over twenty countries became, “Why not thirty countries?”

During one of my long travels abroad I was with my good friend in France. I mentioned to him how it would be really cool and liberating to backpack through parts of the world without any set plan, just wandering here and there without any specific time frame in mind. He said, “You’re doing that now?” My first thought was, “Oh yea, you’re right.” And yet there was this sense that I wasn’t travelling freely enough, wasn’t really going out on the limb. Thus even in the face of great accomplishment, what often ruled the day was what I had failed to do, even though that itself was an illusion.

At times I have certainly come to realize that my goals were set against the backdrop of impossible standards; I have realized that the way I was living, nothing would ever be good enough. The mind creates perfection based around the idea that nothing can live up to it.  Even Leonardo Da Vinci is rumored to have uttered on his deathbed, “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have!” Thus for someone caught up in chasing perfection, no matter the accomplishment, nothing is good enough, where perfection seems to be less about accomplishing and more about keeping one perpetually striving.

One of the more poignant understandings was to realize how habitually I would internalize anything that went wrong. This occurred so unconsciously that it became almost impossible to take a look from a higher elevation to see that what paraded as instinct of character was really self flagellation. Caught up in the task of bearing witness to one’s self, one must find a way to not only disidentify from the cycle of chasing perfection, but from the cycle of then being critical of one’s criticality.

Engaged in such a task, I can see that that the very person trying to free himself from perfection and guilt is doing so through a false self that is perfectionistic and guilt ridden. The question becomes, how can a person free themselves of perfection when the very person trying to overcome those things is caught up in them; how does one stop trying to be perfect when it is their perfect trying self that is doing the trying? Of course the answer is by simply stopping and letting go, but it must be done from a different approach. One of the things I do now when I recognize that something is not perfect, a mistake was made, or when I find myself being hard on myself, is that I say it’s ok, and just watch it.

Of course there is nothing wrong with setting high standards for ourselves. Setting impossible standards is the problem. More over, it is the inability to see some of the standards we set as impossible in nature that keeps us striving, continually pushing for what can’t be achieved, fueled by fundamental motivations that no longer serve us.

The Art of the Moment

Posted on by under Articles

There is an art to being in the moment and fully appreciating something. There is a great subtlety involved with it. The art of the moment is where one drops off into an inclusiveness defined by nothingness, where the allure of the sensuous casts a light over all that is and can be felt, enclosing us in a timeless landscape of constancy and synthesis.

But to truly be in the moment one must give up a sense of being someone in the moment. This is not an easy thing to do. Most of us, even in moments where we claim we are in the present, are not. We are instead judging the world, capturing it, interpreting it in relation to how we have constructed our world in relation to our own identity and in relation to ideas. We try to be in the moment, but we want the moments to be ours, we want the moment to be our own, and the second we begin processing and acknowledging what we are experiencing, the second we are not experiencing.

With stillness and a finely tuned awareness one can watch that moment in an experience where one begins to move from the complete moment of the experience, off into one’s own world away from the present. It is very subtle and rather abrupt, but it can be experienced. In such a moment one will notice that often when perceiving something, one’s mind immediately wants to process that experience and categorize it in relation to itself and the conglomerate of memories and identities. Often, one is more concerned with being able to translate the experience to another. We are eager to put a label on it. We feel the urge to define, that egotistical urge, desperate to think the moment into existence, pretending that thought makes it real.

Thoughts, words, and ideas have a place of course but they are all only representations and as such they can never do justice to the experience, though that is what we desire from it. We want something to show to others and we get frustrated trying to explain ourselves. Language is flimsy at best and so our definition of experience is one that has an experiencer, but this kind of experience is different. When such things occur, the moment is lost and the purity of the experience is lost.

The most rewarding way to appreciate something and to fully experience it is to engage in a sensory experience without feeling the need to think about it or process it; without the need to say anything about it; instead, simply be with it and not try.

Indeed, trying becomes something paradoxical in and of itself. Naturally we are trying to do something, that is, be in the moment, but there is a difference between trying from an egoistic standpoint, and trying, where the intention to be is not a product of thought or conformity to some idealization. Instead, the intention to be becomes. This distinction can be experienced, again with careful awareness; one can watch the ‘you’ that is trying to be; one can see that conception of one’s self that has been created, the ego and the persona struggling to make the world more real and permanent than is possible.

In the end what “defines” the ability to be present has nothing to do with any force of the mind, there is no thought, or even mental effort. It is a letting go, an observing without an observer, a being without a being.

An Elucidation on Narcissism and the Nature of Self-Love

Posted on by under Articles

Narcissism is a word and concept that is used and talked about extensively throughout the world of psychotherapy and everyday life. At once a term used to describe a condition of self obsession, it is also, at heart, a term used to denote a certain characteristic phase of life and attitudinal struggle to understand the relationship one has with his or her self, how that self stands in relation to the larger world, and in what capacity one is able to share that self with others. Underlying all of these is the relationship one has to one’s self, i.e. being able to love one’s self. But what does this mean?

It is often said that one cannot truly love another unless one can love his or her self. But what does this mean in narcissistic terms? Does a narcissistic person actually love himself or herself? Does loving one’s self make a person narcissistic? The goal of this paper is to elaborate on the term narcissism. Tracing it’s relevance in respect to the early stages of life, I will examine its core meaning in respect to neurosis, and will tackle some of the misconceptions associated with being narcissistic, all with the intent of understanding the topic in respect to self love and what it means to have a healthy relationship with one’s self. The goal of therapy, after all, is to help a person feel and maintain his or her innate worth, a kind of love in respect to one’s self as a living thing and a human being. I will begin with an assessment of the myth of Narcissus as found in Ovid’s “Metamorphoses.”

What does the myth say? What does the myth say about love and self-love? And why did this myth and its title figure come to be used as a reference for a neurosis? In the myth the young boy Narcissus, is cursed by the God Nemesis for refusing to return the affections of a young nymph. The curse is administered because Narcissus refuses to share himself with another. Not knowing exactly why Narcissus was unable to love another we are forced to surmise that Narcissus refused to love another largely out of arrogance. It is hard to know in what ways narcissism differs from arrogance, but since Narcissus refuses the love of the nymph before he has fallen in love with his own reflection, one must assume there is a difference between the two terms, and that the arrogance associated with the refusal of Narcissus to love is more about an unhealthy relationship with himself, or lack of a relationship with himself, than it is about an over zealous infatuation with himself.

There is a clue into this distinction when one examines the role of Echo. Alexander Lowen, speaking on the myth stated, “One can’t truly understand the myth unless one takes seriously the role of Echo. (Lowen, 1985, p26-7) He later stated,

It is significant that Narcissus fell in love with his image only after he rejected the love of Echo. Falling in love with one’s image – that is, becoming narcissistic, is seen in the myth as a form of punishment for being incapable of loving…Who is Echo? She could be our own voice coming back to ourselves. Thus if Narcissus could say, “I love you,” Echo would repeat these words and Narcissus would feel loved. (Lowen, 1985, p26-7)

Without assessing the role of Echo it is easy to interpret the myth of Narcissus simply as a curse laid on a young boy for his arrogance in refusing to love and be loved. But Narcissus is unable to love, not necessarily because he feels no one is good enough for him, but because in some sense he does not feel he is good enough. The tragedy is that if he could but return the love of Echo, she herself would reciprocate that love, “mirror” it, or “echo” it back to him.

Thus the myth highlights one of the original characteristics of what Freud would term ‘secondary narcissism’ whereby a person withdraws libido from the object onto one’s self. Narcissus is withdrawn from the beginning, and when he sees his own image reflected in a pool, he does not fall in love with himself because he does not know that indeed it is himself he is seeing. He falls in love with an external image devoid of any substance because he does not know himself. If he did, he might have returned the love of Echo or another nymph.

This is one of the main reasons the myth and image of Narcissus is wedded to a psychological neurosis. Narcissus falls in love with an image of himself, and that cannot be obtained because it exists outside himself. This is the tragedy, not just of loving one’s image at the cost of one’s self, but of being unable to love another because one does not have a healthy sense of self-possession.

Thus one of the big misconceptions surrounding narcissism is that individuals who are narcissistic love themselves and are obsessed with themselves. But this is only partially true, and at heart, false. It is true only in respect to a love for his or her external self/image. Lowen described five types of narcissistic disorders ranging from least to most severe where the more narcissistic one is the less one is able to identify with his or her feelings, where one has a greater identification with his or her image (Lowen, 1985, p14).

Thus it is not correct to say that narcissistic individuals love themselves because such an individual does not love his or her self in its entirety. Such a person is obsessed and “in love” with his or her image, but only at the cost of being alienated from his or feelings. That is, the obsession with the external image allows one to escape from his or her internal world of pain and suffering associated with feelings and emotions that an individual has come to distance his or her self from because of pain, guilt, and mistrust.

What are some of the lessons of this story? That being able to love one’s self means being open to receiving love from another? That knowing one’s self and loving one’s self are inextricably linked to being able to share that self? And yet such a love must not be shared out of a need to be validated by another. Healthy relationships are not based on co-dependence. Perhaps love must be received and shared from a place of self-deserving, honoring that place in someone we love that feels drawn to express his or her love and expressing one’s own love from a place of self worth?

The question of the nature of a healthy self-love is a complicated but important one. To love one’s self does not mean to withdraw one’s libido from the outside world onto one’s self narcissistically, but it also does not mean being so dependent on the outer world for love that one’s well-being depends on receiving love and affection from another. There is a struggle in this, and it can be traced back to the birth of consciousness.

Joseph Campbell said, “Traditionally, the first function of a living mythology is to reconcile consciousness to the preconditions of its own existence; that is to say, to the nature of life…The impact of this horror on a sensitive consciousness is terrific – this monster which is life. Life is a horrendous presence, and you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that. The first function of a mythological order has been to reconcile consciousness to this fact.” (Campbell, 2004, p.3) Thus consciousness arises out of grief, a kind of reluctance to exist in the way that it does; the difficult truth that consciousness comes with an awareness of the difficulty of life.

Shannon Downing pointed to something similar when she stated, “Consciousness begins with the experience of separation and loss.”(Downing, 2004, p.63) That is, one becomes conscious of him or herself only after realizing that the feeling of being one with everything, that the world is an extension without a differentiation between self and other, is an illusion, or was an experience that must inevitably end. Thus consciousness is born of a feeling of being a separate thing. So if one asks what the nature of a healthy self-love is one must ask what one’s relationship to his or her conscious self is.

One might suggest that being conscious and having as sense of self are the same. But it must then be asked if a sense of self is born of loss from the beginning, how can one expect to develop a healthy self love when it is inevitably tied to the experience of separation and disconnection? One can love his or her self out of defense or avoidance, an avoidance of one’s self, and although this may seem paradoxical, this is indeed exactly what narcissists do. Narcissists invest their energies in to their images, their external selves. That is, they becomes obsessed with their external selves because their internal self, the self comprised of feelings, and emotions, the self, irrevocably tied to his or her infantile history, is too painful, too associated with disappointment and loss. As Alice Miller stated, “Narcissus was in love with his idealized picture, but neither the grandiose nor the depressive ‘Narcissus’ can really love himself. His passion for his false self makes impossible not only love for others but also, despite all appearances, love for the one person who is fully entrusted to his care: himself.” (Miller, 1987, p.78)

It must be pointed out that there is no sense of self before separation, but there is no sense of other either. So the question of a healthy self love has its origins in and is ultimately about how one orients one’s self in relationship to everything else. That is, a healthy self love again is not strictly about an other or strictly about a self; it is strictly speaking, not about being loved or of giving one’s self all the love one would like. It is something in between, but what can this be? Is there room for anything else?

Marion Woodman alluded to another possibility when she said, “That’s real love-making, where you experience the wholeness in yourself through the person you love.”(Woodman, 1993 p.119) Here one’s wholeness is experienced in another. It is not dependent on another and it does not negate one’s own sense of self. In fact Woodman later stated in the same interview, “I would say that so long as you don’t have a sense of your own totality, you are going to look for your wholeness in another person.” (Woodman, 1993 p.121) And so one must learn to be whole in themselves, but one must also be able and willing to experience that wholeness in another. Paradoxically this may require a leap of reason where one is other and other is one, where both are connected and yet differentiated.

What is apparent here is the pull between one’s self as individual and one’s self as other. Both must somehow be reconciled. One must be individual and yet one must recognize a greater being than the one connected solely to one’s ego and sense of separation. Thus the question of what it means to love one’s self in a healthy way points to the reconciliation of the reality of one’s individuality, to care for it, not in a self-obsessed partially negating way, but in a way that can own one’s responsibility to his or her self as a living thing, and realize possibly that one’s essence is inevitably tied to something more. Edinger talked about this struggle when he said,

“In my experience, the basis of almost all psychological problems is an unsatisfactory relation to one’s urge to individuality. And the healing process often involves an acceptance of what is commonly called selfish… The majority of patients in psychotherapy need to learn how to be more effectively selfish and more effective in the use of their personal power; they need to accept responsibility for the fact of being centers of power and effectiveness…We demand from others only what we fail to give ourselves. If we have insufficient self-love or self-prestige, our need expresses itself unconsciously by coercive tactics toward others. And often the coercion occurs under the guise of virtue, love, or altruism.”(Edinger, 1992, p.160-1)

Here, selfishness is not something one can escape. But it is a healthy selfishness, a healthy self-love, one that must be willing to wed itself, from itself, out into the world, all while maintaining individuality in the midst of total connection. Edinger echoed this sentiment when he said, “What is required is not the extirpation of selfishness, which is impossible but rather that it be wedded to consciousness and thus becomes effective. All the facts of biology and psychology teach us that every individual unit is self-centered to the core. The only varying factor is the degree of consciousness which accompanies that fact.”(Edinger, 1992, p.160-1)

Thus, although it sounds “cheesy,” perhaps it is as simple as being capable of recognizing one’s self in others and seeing others in one’s self, that what people have in common outshines what they do not, and that where similarities overlap, individuals can experience a relationship that transcends them both. This is a kind of genuine relationship with the world itself, one Shannon Downing, speaking on Freud, talks about,

“He speaks sometimes of a transformed reality principle, of a metaphorical consciousness that would not be a return to the participation mystique of primitive and dream because it would be knowingly symbolic – it would recognize its projections as projections. It would take delight in the exercise of these projective powers as an authentic response to our situation. Such a response would transcend the narrowly “realistic,” utilitarian, and rational response of the untransformed reality principle, but would bring us into a genuinely erotic not narcissistic relation to the world.” (Downing, 2005, p.166)

Thus one can enter into a relationship with the world consciously, aware of one’s own needs and living for the sake of personal pleasure preservation, and yet still derive pleasure from seeing one’s self as part of a greater whole.

In a letter to Jung, Freud once wrote, “Psychoanalysis in essence is a cure through love.” (Bettelheim, 1984, p.NA) What kind of a love was Freud talking about? It may reference a healthy therapeutic relationship, one from the analyst to the patient, but at heart, this “cure through love” may be in reference to a remedy through the experience of a healthy self-love. Such a love means being able to feel that one is a living breathing person; where one can be open in respect to his or her feelings without shame or guilt; Where one can have an understanding of one’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions and be capable and willing to express them to some degree, to share them openly with others, not from a sense of needing to be validated, but from a place of basic self-respect and self-recognition; to share one’s self whether through artistic expression or romance, but ultimately, to have a conscious perceptive feeling that one’s feeling self does not begin or end with one’s ego, but participates in something that is more than both other and individual in essence.

 

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of

Mental Disorders: DSM-5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association.

 

Bettelheim, Bruno. (1984). Frued and Man’s Soul. New York, NY: Vintage Books.

 

Campbell, Joseph. (2004). Pathways To Bliss; Mythology and Personal Transformation.

            Novato, CA: New World Library.     

 

Downing, Christine. (2004). Freud’s Mythology of Soul: The Body as Dwelling Place of

Soul. In The Luxury of Afterwords. New York, NY: Universe

 

Downing, Christine. (2005). Sigmund Freud and the Greek Mythological Tradition. In

            Preludes: Essays on the lucid Imagination. New York, NY: Universe

 

Edinger, Edward F. (1992). Ego and Archetype. Boulder, CO: Shambhala.

 

Lowen, Alexander. (1985). Narcissism, Denial of the True Self. New York, NY:

Simon & Schuster.

 

Miller, Alice. (1987). The Drama of Being a Child, The Search For the True Self.

London: Virago Press.

 

Ovid. Metamorphoses. Translation by Melville, A. D. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

http://www.theoi.com/Heros/Narkissos.html.

 

Woodman, Marion. (1993). Conscious Femininity: Interviews with Marion Woodman.

            Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.

Memories Most Memorable

Posted on by under Articles

It’s said that when we die our entire life flashes before our eyes. If so, I like to believe that some of our most profound, meaningful, and loving experiences will take the time to play themselves out once more before we fully pass. Which memories will they be? Which memories will we choose to remain with, even if for just a fraction of a second longer?

A few weeks I ago I was searching for such a memory. Frustrated and unable to fall asleep I thought it would help if I could think of a moment from my life where I was truly happy and at peace, a moment of real joy, beauty, and bliss. I wanted to locate that moment and focus on it in the hope that it would cozy me to sleep.

I roamed the recesses of my mind and memory reliving those moments that left a great impression; many profound memories came to mind: memories of first kisses, and first loves; moments with nature, floating on my back down a river, shooting stars, the blue hole in the Red Sea; moments of travel, the Great Pyramid, Petra, Paris; moments with family and friends, cooking and baking with my grandma as a boy, seeing everyone at the airport when I got back from Iraq. All of these have a place in my heart. But in this particular moment there was one memory I settled on.

It is a memory involving my niece: When she was less than a year old she was staying the night at my parent’s house where I was living at the time. It was morning and she was still sleeping up in her crib. I decided to go up to check on her. I slowly opened the door and walked in. I was perfectly quiet and made absolutely no sound. Once in the room I noticed she was still sleeping, curled up into the corner of the crib on her belly the way she always slept. I did not want to wake her and so I just stood there watching her, enjoying the solemnity of the moment. I stood for about thirty seconds perfectly still and quiet before she suddenly and randomly woke up off her belly and quickly looked behind her. She saw me and instantly smiled. It was that moment seeing her smile that stuck with me. That smile of hers shot through me like arrows. That was the memory I was looking for.

I remembered that I brought this same memory up when I was at the monastery of Plum Village in France. During group meditation there was a discussion on happiness; anyone wishing to speak on the topic was invited to do so. Someone asked what lasting happiness was. I said that I did not know, if I knew I imagine I would not have been there. But, I said, there was a moment involving my niece, and I relayed to them the same story I just mentioned. I told them I am not sure what lasting happiness is but I imagine it to be something like the smile on my niece’s face when she looked back at me; something like that.

Memories are a vast realm. I often wonder if such memories accompany us on our journey into the great void? Are such moments grounded in a reality that transcends the confines of time? I hope so. It feels so.

Thoughts on God

Posted on by under Articles

For me God is the recognition of something over and above what my individual will can do, accomplish, fathom, and comprehend; I believe in God when I recognize there are forces, factors, or powers outside of my control that influence the outcome of my everyday life. What are these factors? Well there are a number of them. How do they work? Well I don’t know. I can neither comprehend, nor understand the full force of contributing factors that have come to influence my life and affect how it has sometimes played out; no matter how hard I’ve tried to control my life there have been and are factors and situations outside my control. Where that sense of the incomprehensible reigns, God for me exists as something.

It’s the same when I try to process some overwhelming feeling, or sense of awe, times when I have been overwhelmed by the sight of nature, a beautiful woman, a shooting star, or a smiling baby. At other times I have been completely overcome by an attraction and the feeling of being in love; I have felt that power over the senses; I have tried to comprehend that force behind it only to be left feeling bewildered. It is like calculating the symbol ‘Pi,’ the sense of the immeasurable and incomprehensible just going on and on and on; the feeling and the fathoming are like a repeating decimal.

Many times in my life I have been uncomfortable with using the word ‘God.’ I have gone through a lot of phases of thinking where I was highly influenced by this or that philosopher or this or that school of thought. But even at my most logically oriented, logically positivist thinking I still felt uncomfortable saying that I did not believe in God or that I was an atheist. It did not seem or feel right to me. Nor has it always felt right to say I believe in God, call myself a deist, a theist, or anything else in this respect.

The question then often arises, “Do I believe in God?” Well it depends. It depends on what one means when he or she talks about God. If by God one means some person in heaven, some reified concept specific to one religious faith and system then the answer is No. But if instead one refers to something along the lines of an entity or force that can’t be comprehended or defined but somehow seems to exist as part of something bigger than what one can personally comprehend then Yes, I believe in God.

Another question: Why even use the word ‘God?’ In talking about an inability to control or understand life’s circumstance and happenings why not use the words like ‘chance’ ‘fate’ or ‘luck?’ Or if language is so imprecise, then why say anything at all? I do use other words sometimes but I feel I use the word ‘God’ because it conveys my respect I have toward that power and because it does seem to me to be a living force for me, though I’m not sure of what kind. The word just has an appropriacy perhaps due to some of the connotations that are connected with it.

I often think of the way one uses the infinity symbol to denote infinity. As a place holder the symbol denotes a concept, but as a symbol it is limited in its ability to do justice to the totality of infinity itself. Does the symbol show infinity? Yes and no. It successfully represents a concept but it cannot represent infinity in its entirety. That is how I think of the word ‘God.’ It denotes something but that something can’t be fathomed. It is more appropriate to say the word ‘God’ denotes the absence of.

It is unfortunate that terms become loaded with connotations the way they do, but then again, it is some of the connotations that make me use the word instead of another. Some people develop such an aversion to institutional fundamentalist religion that the word ‘God’ owing to its association with the later makes a person reluctant to embrace the word on any level. Connotations also affect the word ‘atheist.’ Some people may in fact call themselves atheists owing to its usual reference to the lack of belief in a kind of God associated with more literal interpretations and yet still believe in some kind of force or power over and above human will and comprehension that has an ability to evoke awe or a kind of divine zeal.

I think in any case it is important to look at all language as innately flawed. It is such because language can only be a representation and no representation can ever fully depict a thing or a feeling. Language is an incredible creation and its flaws should not keep us from ever expressing ourselves, but its limitations have to be embraced along with its capabilities. Any conversation, expression or communication through language should remain open-ended with an ear for the connotations and intentions that can’t always be translated into words. Even at its most beautiful or most precise, language cannot do one’s thoughts and feelings justice. And that’s a good thing, a wonderfully frustrating thing.

Going Mad in a Sane Society

Posted on by under Articles

This parable is known as the “King and the Poisoned Well.” There are different variations, but many cultures retain some version:

“There was once a wise king who ruled over a vast kingdom. He was feared for his might and loved for his wisdom. Now in the heart of the city, there was a well with pure and crystalline waters from which the king and all the inhabitants drank. When all were asleep, three witches entered the city and poured seven drops of a strange liquid into the well. They said that henceforth all who drink this water shall become mad. The next day, all the people drank of the water, but not the king. And the people began to say, “The king is mad and has lost his reason. Look how strangely he behaves. We cannot be ruled by a madman, so he must be dethroned.” The king grew very fearful, for his subjects were preparing to rise against him. He had a difficult choice: risk being destroyed by his beloved subjects or drink from the poisoned well and become mad like them. So that evening, he ordered a golden goblet to be filled from the well, and he drank deeply. The next day, there was great rejoicing among the people, for their beloved king had finally regained his reason.”

In a society largely defined by its alienation from nature, its disassociation from feeling, its obsession with image, its fast pace, its use of the accruement of large sums of money and material possessions as a marker of success, its focus on doing, its endless proliferation of products, its unshakable faith in technology, and its blind relentless drive towards “progress,” it is quite accurate to say that such characteristics have become the norm, and yet that does that make such characteristics normal, healthy, or sane?

If what is crazy can become what is common than what is common becomes what is normal; if madness becomes what is normal than being sane becomes a kind of madness. When looking at society today, which one is it? With all that composes society today, are the characteristics normal and healthy or are they just common, familiar to the point where it’s too difficult to imagine it could have been or could be any other way? And when looking at ourselves; are we healthy and happy or are we lost in some kind of abnormality, too common to be recognized as such?

If indeed the characteristics I have mentioned are normal, it is fair to say that those individuals who value taking their time, who value being mindful, who value a healthy relationship with themselves and the environment, and who lack an over-riding fascination for the material and the unachievable are indeed crazy, and that is what it can feel like for those individuals who don’t feel they fit in, “Am I crazy? Am I normal?” Well yes and no.

Most people would say they are normal, but being normal and living within normality doesn’t necessarily mean one is not crazy. It may bring some sense of comfort to belong, and maybe that’s enough to make it worth it. But feeling normal with regards to who one is around and who one is in common with counts for very little when it comes to understanding who in society may be living a more full life, i.e. who is crazy and who is not. But then again, if the majority of people are mad does anything else really shine through? The “wise” king after all does decide to drink from the same well as everyone who is crazy. Perhaps he recognizes the futility of being sane. Perhaps politically speaking that is the correct implication from the standpoint of the “perfect ruler;” his job is to rule effectively and how can he do that when those he rules consider him to be crazy? For the rest of us, is such a choice necessary?

We all face similar options in respect to our families, the culture we are brought up in, the traditions of our countries, and the relationship we wish to have with the greater world. Are we willing and able to stand alone for the sake of a personal understanding with one’s self that gives all the recognition one needs? Can this be done without recourse to what is common and deemed normal? Do we have to be a little bit crazy just to survive in a “normal” society?

 

Things I enjoy Most in Life

Posted on by under Articles

Color, light, beauty, breath,

 

Silence, awareness, feeling

 

Love, loving, surrendering to love

 

Relaxation, rest and being

 

Eating, cooking and preparing food

 

Being Naked

 

Working on a deep philosophical problem or text, shinning a light on it

 

Nature: being alone in the woods, Rain; watching and listening to it rain; walking barefoot through grass or sand

 

The perfect evening: Meaningful, insightful, and thoughtful conversation over dinner at a good restaurant with a woman I love, a walk afterword through a good park, and a night of passion and love