I could not have been more than five, but I distinctly remember a scene where I was sitting in the middle seat of my parent’s van. In the very back of the van sat my much older sister and her friend. We were all in a parking lot waiting for my mom to return. At one point I looked back at my sister and her friend, they were talking about their weights and whether or not they were fat. My sister then asked me who I thought was fatter, her or her friend. In a moment of unhesitant honesty I pointed to the friend of my sister, who immediately started crying. My sister then scolded me for what I said. I was confused. A few moments later my mom returned to the car. My sister told her what I said, and my mother scolded me even more; “You don’t tell people such things.” Now I was really confused. I thought I was just being honest, telling the truth. Wasn’t that how I was raised? I had not told her out of malice. My only intention was to tell the truth. What had I done wrong?

At that moment I became confused about honesty. I was confused then and I am still confused now. Eventually growing older, one realizes that being honest all the time is probably not very wise. Everyone has been in a situation where a friend or family member says, “Tell me the truth. I promise I won’t be mad.” But of course that is hardly good insurance. Then quite possibly, one gives an answer that was unexpected and hurtful. One notices the pain inflicted and says, “You promised not to get upset,” with the response being, “Yes, but I didn’t know you would answer in such a such a way.”

Honesty is esteemed as a noble characteristic, one that is valued in relationships both personal and societal. We are raised on phrases such as ‘honesty is the best policy,’ or ‘the truth shall set you free.’ One of the most unattractive qualities according to a number of women is dishonesty. In the movie “A Few Good Men” Tom Cruise demands of Jack Nicholson, “I want the truth!” The response: “You can’t handle the truth.” Even the founding of our country involves a story about the first president as a young boy fessing up to his father about cutting down his favorite cherry tree, saying, “I cannot tell a lie.”

We are raised on the nobility of being honest and yet there is much ambiguity surrounding its true value, not just in our ability to be honest with others, or one’s ability to tolerate the honesty of others, but honesty with one’s self; self-deception instead of self awareness. Everyone wants people to accept them for who they are but how many people can actually honestly say they know who they are and what that even means? Who can honestly say they put an effort into HONESTLY knowing who they are and why?

One is then tempted to ask certain questions like, “Is it best to be honest 100% of the time?” This is what we tell our children even though we then lie to them about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, death, and where babies come from. Do we truly want others to be honest ALL the time in our relationships? An older friend once told me the real secret to a successful relationship is for two people to be able to be completely honest all the time. Is that true? Are there shades of meaning to what he said?

What about self deception? Is it the mark of a  truly grounded self respecting person that no truth could ever weaken them? While it may be easy to argue that deceit, dishonesty or “little white lies” may be good in certain situations where truth may be to harmful for a person to hear, can self-deception ever have a real value or is it important that we be 100% honest with ourselves all the time, being sure to learn from truth instead of run from it? After all, we can’t change what we are unwilling to acknowledge. On the other hand, what are defense mechanisms but clever little tricks of the mind/ego to protect us from some damaging truth or experience.

I don’t have any answers. I have a good sense for where I stand, but that’s it.