A paragraphic is a form of literary writing that attempts to critique common expressions or unusual habits in order to illuminate a deeper meaning behind them. Often, the expressions we use or the habits we act out, are uttered or expressed without an awareness of their deeper significance.  The hope is that, through an elucidation on the meaning of these phrases and habits, one can find a greater wisdom in regard to living and understanding life.

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Windshield Wipers

Sometimes when we are driving in the rain with the windshield wipers on, it takes a while before one realizes that that windshield wipers are still on despite the rain having stopped falling minutes ago. Our eyes become adjusted to the movement and are able to ignore it while driving. But eventually we recognize the rain has stopped and so we turn the blades off.

Something similar occurs in regard to many habits or tendencies in one’s life, habits that a person once used or adopted in order to navigate through a particular part of life. Many times, these experiences were difficult and the tendencies we adopted to help alleviate a certain set of conditions, ends up taking a long time for us to learn to let go of.

In many ways counseling or therapy can be characterized as the turning “off” or letting go of tendencies or tools we learned to use that no longer serve us or are no longer necessary. Many of our psychological defenses were once needed in order to get through life but no longer serve us, or they become problematic as they continue to be used to ward off threats or obstacles that are no longer there.

One can reflect on their life and discover what they continue to use that is no longer necessary; what “windshield wipers” in one’s life remain “on” despite the fact that it is no longer raining?

“Women Are Never Satisfied!”

Many men often complain that the women they date or are married to are never satisfied. However, it may be the case that women appear to be never satisfied because most men are unable and unwilling to truly love them. The little complaints that arise and the petty arguments that build up are fueled by a woman’s sense that the man she is with could be loving her more truly, more passionately, and most importantly, more fearlessly than what she feels.

Often, she brings up small and trivial issues because she cannot bring herself to state the real problem for fear of making the situation worse and losing out on the little love she is receiving. The men in these situations do not understand because they have tried their best with the knowledge they have. Unfortunately, what they know is quite limited. For the truth is that deep down, they fear loving more fully because of having been wounded in past relationships.

A woman can be content once the man she is with surrenders fearlessly to the living passion inside of him that yearns to prostrate himself before her inner divinity. For her part, a woman must surrender to her inner divinity and not settle for what is not worthy of her, even if it means periods of solitude without a partner. Nor must she seek vengeance in those moments of having been hurt or not fully loved. Anything less than simply moving forward in strength, grace, and dignity is below her.

Letting Go

“Just let go” is a command that is often expressed. Most everyone, to some degree, has experienced what this means; most of us have let go of something emotionally burdensome from our pasts, even if that thing may not be as highly charged as others.

To let go is gradually to put distance between what we are and what we sometimes have. What we are is a life, life itself, and it exists in every moment, perpetually, without worry. What we sometimes have are emotions. Note the use of the word have. That is, although we speak in terms of being a specific emotion, i.e. I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely, these emotions are in truth not representative of what we truly are. We hold onto them; they become our skin, when they are actually just clothes. What we have also includes experiences, the things that happen to us.

To let go, we sit still and see what is happening to us, in our bodies. We objectively watch the emotions come and go. We observe their fleetingness. Even as they are raging, we can view them. The more we watch, the closer we look, the more we see. What comes into focus gradually and with patience is that there is some presence inside that is stable while everything else around is moving and in flux. We do not necessarily get caught up in analyzing the nature of this presence, but we feel it is there.

Making Love

There is a difference between making love and having sex. The latter is associated with an act, a performance, or a show; it denotes something external to one’s self. The verb to have, as used in the phrase “to have sex” denotes possession and, therefore, taking. “To have” is to possess, and to possess infers the possibility of losing what one has. To have sex means to participate in an action that is merely a function of one’s external image, while love is placed on the periphery, somewhere on the outside looking in. “Having sex” means simply fulfilling an urge or a craving.

“Making love” is instead associated with a state of being, it involves sharing and giving. To makemeans to be involved, means to be committed, means to share, means to express. To make also means to create. Where any act of creation can be associated with what any two people put into it; in making love, the creation and the creators are one. To make love means to treat love not as something outside of oneself but as something that one is, something that flows from being completely accepting of and open to who one is. In truly making love, there is no fear, because one cannot lose what one is. Fear and love are antithetical.

Making love is a living passion that explores the limitless boundaries of intimacy. It means savoring every aspect of one’s partner, every kiss, every touch, and every breath between one another; it means looking deeply into each other’s eyes, fearlessly exploring and surrendering to the presence of seeing and being in union.

In making love, two people honor and surrender to the divinity they see in their partner, the same divinity that is within themselves.

“That Person Really Lived!”

How does one conduct a life that compels someone to say, “That person really lived!”? What characteristics permeate such a well-lived life? A willingness to take chances for the sake of gaining experience. A drive to gain experience for the sake of finding or simply being a part of something vast and powerful? Perhaps the ability to befriend the unknown, to see a road that stretches off in the distance and be able to walk it without paralyzing amounts of fear?

We may chalk up a life truly lived to the experiences had, places visited, or achievements accomplished, but there is something else: one’s presence in those situations. With what kind of a focus did the person settle into the moment? How much were they able to permit themselves to be there, entirely open to the situation? What was the quality of the experience? How present were they to what was happening? How deeply did they allow the experience to put them in touch with something deep, ineffable, or wondrous?

There is a sense in which some people live their lives and have experiences that always occur at a superficial level, no matter what the experience is. Nor do experiences have to be extreme or intense to have them be meaningful or powerful. With a certain perspective, even simple tasks or activities can be a source of great joy and insight; a simple walk, looking at a beautiful flower, or even just washing the dishes. With every activity there are countless miracles taking place and unfolding before one’s eyes simply by way of the reality of one’s living being. How connected to it are you?

Ask yourself what each situation in your life has taught you or brought you into connection with? Did it bring you back to something beautiful within yourself? Did the experience open you up to important truths about life and living? Or were you merely checking experiences off of a list?

Proving Something to Yourself

A lot of people might say “Well, I have to prove it to myself.” But such a statement is nonsensical. There should be nothing a person needs to prove to his or her self unless this self is actually someone or something separate from who one is; in which case this self represents nothing other than an entity that one is alienated from. A person who is content with him or her self should have nothing it needs to prove to itself. Such a desire only reveals the sense in which a person has no sense of who he or she is, and where, this “myself” that one is attempting to prove something to represents nothing but a displaced form of something external, probably a parent, peer, or society as a whole….

“It’s Only Your Imagination”

We say, “it’s only your imagination,” as if that statement somehow makes an experience or a sensation less real, though all the feelings, emotions, and reactions accompanying an event are very real indeed.

Attempting to so offhandedly dismiss the reality of the imagination will not change the fact that, every night when one goes to bed, the reality of the imagination will be there to create scenes of wonder, stress, rapture, and terror; it will not change the fact that we create states of anxiety on a daily basis by actively imagining what the future will hold based on our preconceived notions or habitual forms of thinking; it will not change the fact that children can occupy themselves for hours in great joy and amusement simply by using their imaginations.

And one more example: There is a well-known therapeutic exercise for situations where an individual is grieving the death of a loved one. In this exercise the individual sits across from an empty chair and imagines that the deceased loved one is sitting there. The grieving individual engages with the loved one in dialogue in order to say what they never had a chance to say, or to express feelings of longing affection. This exercise frequently moves the grieving individual to tears. And yet, it’s only their imagination!

Opening and Breaking

It’s a strange feeling to realize that the expressions used for denoting both a person who chooses to fall in love and a person who has lost the love of someone both make use of the image of having an open heart, on the one hand, and having one’s heart broken, or “broke open” on the other. That is, having one’s heart open denotes both choosing to love/be loved and losing the love of another; the experience that causes us to feel pain when we lose the love of another is intimately connected to the act that allows one to fall in love in the first place; the experience that allows one to fall in love is the same experience that results in pain if and when the love is lost. This cannot be a coincidence. One chooses to love and one chooses to be vulnerable. One can’t love unless he or she is willing to open up their heart, knowing full well that the very act that permits one to love can result in a painful experience if and when the love is lost. True love can’t escape surrendering one’s vulnerability. When one chooses to love, one becomes vulnerable, and the ability to make one’s self vulnerable results in both being able to love and being able to feel the loss of love.

The Dark

People panic in the dark and rush to find a light, never trusting, either the ability of their eyes to adjust, the familiarity with their surroundings, or the luminosity of the stars and moon.

A light may allow one to see, but it may also make one blind, make one doubt one’s capabilities, and pull one’s confidence away from one’s body, and from the moment.

I have had experiences of going for a walk at night where it was easy to doubt the ability of my eyes to adjust enough to be able to walk; situations with other individuals where the first inclination was to turn on a light only to realize that the eyes do indeed adjust and that walking in such a way, through the darkness of the night, brings a certain kind of satisfaction and enjoyment from trusting the ability of life to adjust as opposed to rushing to fill the night with something artificial.

Such a state can be compared to those instances in life where one finds themselves in a particular situation without all the necessary information needed to pass judgment. In such cases, one is “in the dark.”

In such situations it is important to be patient in gathering the facts, and to let the situation adjust itself to total reality instead of being summed up too hastily. One must not be in a hurry to define a situation or set of circumstances out of a fear or discomfort in not knowing what is true and what will eventually “come to light.”